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October 1st, 2004

01:30 pm - Contemplating yet another change... Can't stop thinking about moving back home... where I am currently making this entry from actually. Only a couple wrinkles would need to be worked out before I would jump at the chance. Mainly, I can't lose out on friend time just because of schedules. My night owl friends are a huge part of my support system right now. If I could get that worked out, the rest would just be details. I think it would do my heart good to come back here for a while. There's nothing like the familiar and the beloved to soothe when life is getting me down. Current Mood: drained

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September 21st, 2004

11:05 pm - doing a little better... I got a job! 10 dollars an hour, guaranteed 24 hours a week and the best part- they started me yesterday. So I've already had two shifts. Other stuff is still hard, but haing the means to support myself really helps give me a lift. unfortunately, it's from 3pm to 9pm, but at least I always know when I'm coming in. I hate schedules that are generated once a week, so that'll be nice. Current Mood: content

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September 15th, 2004

09:57 am - How do I get my life back? How does someone tell you that they can't, or rather won't be friends with you anymore? How do they tell you that no matter what you do, they don't want to know you? More importantly, once they have told you this, how do you erase them? How do you stop remembering, and start living? How do you leave behind someone who's left you behind? How do you stop being totured by their presence in your head... how do you stop feeling worthless and not good enough after someone tells you that you are not worth being friends with? I guess my only answer to that right now is the love of other friends. The people who do think I and my friendship are worth something. The people who want to spend time with me. Logic says, why do I want a friend who doesn't want my friendship anyway? But my heart still cries bitterly at the loss. It will be a long time before I can feel whole without that element in my life. Right now I am just trying not to let the gap that's been left in my heart consume me. I AM more than this loss. My life is more than this loss, and those who are sticking with me, even when it's hard to be around me, are better friends than any that I have lost. Thinking of them makes me feel strong enough to stop crying and get on with today. It's also heartening to know that I'll see them later. Current Mood: crushed

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August 27th, 2004

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August 25th, 2004

03:27 pm - Wind Today is an incredible day. It didn't look that great outside but I took the dog for a walk anyway. The wind was just amazing. There's a certain kind of wind that I like, all wild and seeming like it could just carry you away...or carry something to you for that matter. For the first time since things got so hard, I feel like I'm living! Mostly before I think I was just surviving. But the wind is just full of possibility today. And my life is just full of possibilities. Ones that I can look forward to and be excited about. As I was walking in the wind, listening to the lombardies roar, and the willows chatting and the maples whispering, I had some kind of turning point. For a long time, people have been telling me things will be all right, but I only believed them because I had to. Now I really feel it. I know things will be better, no matter what happens. Current Mood: hopeful

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June 11th, 2004

09:54 am - unexpectedly beautiful moments I suppose you never know where peace will find you. In a favorite restaurant wouldn't have been my first guess. Last night, my boyfriend and I went out to dinner at Lanna Thai after leaving my class gallery showing. We've been there many times before, but I've never been quite so enchanted by the place. After we finished eating, George left for a few minutes. I sat there looking around, and finishing my tea, and was struck by how calm and happy it was just to be there. The whole place has a glow about it, probably from the orangy-red light of the open kitchen space, as much as the oil lamps on each table. The space is decorated within an inch of it's life. Murals of celebration, dancers, and parasol artists are added to photographs of men riding elephants and women weaving, and it is all framed in Lanna-style architecture, which is something to behold. It's like wooden lace. There are tropical flowers at every table and in random corners. As you come in there is a lotus bowl. The booths are also carved, with upholstery embroidered with elephants and lion-like creatures. And despite all that difference from everyday living, the place feels homey and comfortable. Sitting there, drinking tea and soaking up all that beauty felt like the ultimate act of relaxation, but also something more. There aren't words to describe the feeling, but it's one of those special things that just doesn't happen very often. Whatever it is, it draws you completely into the moment; the exact time and place you are existing in, and that's rare and important. Current Mood: peaceful

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June 10th, 2004

04:14 pm For anyone who may wonder why I chose the name (and because it's a good place to start)... I am fascinated by the ethereal, to start with, and the other day, as I was walking, it was sunny, and it occurred to me that when I was in the sunlight was the only time that I felt that everything was going to be fine. I imagined my spirit filling right up with light, and lifting above everything that has been holding it down for so long, streaming gold ribbons of light and spinning as it rose. It was a beautiful and fragile kind of daydream, and I think that is the way I'd like others to see me, if possible. It's the kind of creature I am in my heart. Current Mood: contemplative

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